Just Six Feet Under…………by Adele Marie
Where am I…How did I get here and where is here… It is very hard to see, there is no light…I am opening my eyes and still I cannot see anything…I cannot remember anything…Where am I….
I have never been claustrophobic, so why am I feeling this way right now…Relax I tell myself and just breathe…Where am I…What is going on… Why can I not remember anything…I am trying to get up and I do not have much room around me to move, I lift my head and bang it on something above me...I try to raise my arms to feel what my head hit and I cannot reach my arms above me or move them around very well…I can only feel what is above my body...the texture is rough like wood…where am I….there seems to be a ceiling above me…I can feel it, but I cannot see it….it is very close only a few inches from my body to the ceiling above me…Where am I …what is going on…relax, I tell myself and just breathe…
I cannot move my arms very well, my legs cannot bend…I feel trapped….there is no room…. Where am I ….I feel the air in which I am breathing is being cut off…Dear God what is happening and where am I….I start to feel all around me and all I keep touching is walls…relax and just breathe….everywhere I touch I feel the walls enclosing in upon me….Where am I….I cannot escape…I cannot get up and run….what is happening...where am I….hello anyone there…why can’t you hear me…where am I…please someone can you hear me…Relax and take a deep breathe…I cannot…there is no air…I am suffocating and I cannot breathe…What is holding me down, why can’t I move…what is going on…Dear God where am I…..
Finally….Oh My God, what a relief, a rush of fresh air…I can breathe….I see a beautiful brilliant light that is shining before me…I can see…all of a sudden I am not enclosed any longer…I feel a rush of wind around me…Looking ahead of me I can see this beautiful light shining so bright that I have to cover my eyes…there, right there….there is a person, I see an outline of someone walking towards me...I can feel her, I can see her…Mom…ohhh… Mom where have you been…
It seems like it has been eternity since I have seen you, how beautiful she is…she walks towards me with her arms outstretched and I run…I run to her and throw myself in her arms and break down and cry…I feel her warmth and strength flow through me, God she feels like heaven…I keep hearing her say “I love you and I am right here”…I look at her with tear stained cheeks as I tell her “I am tired, I could not breathe Mom…I love you too” ….She holds me close as I feel alive again. It just feels so wonderful to have her hold me, to know all of this is just a dream…a nightmare that never seemed to end…
I feel a rush of warmth and love surge through me…I feel a cocoon of gentleness surround me and I feel safe…as I raise my head to look around I see all of my family walking up to join us…Everyone is smiling, laughing and so happy, welcoming me back…Grandma and granddaddy…Tillie and Poppi hugging me in their embrace…whispering to me “ it is over child, you are safe, no one can ever hurt you again”…And I start to weep, finally someone heard me…someone came to my rescue and made the pain go away…. I can breathe…I feel so loved and cherished that I just want to stay there….I can finally relax and let go…. They heard me…they heard my voice calling out for help…and they came…and here I am with all of my loved ones…so many faces…so many whom I recognize that I have not seen for what seems like eternity…I start to laugh excitedly…so many whom have always been right by my side that I forgot about, I have only seen them in my dreams and meditations and here they are...front and center and they hear me….thank you for hearing me…thank you for believing me enough to hear me…to be here with me keeping me safe and sound…
I feel the excitement, it is swirling around me so strong and sweet...I look up just as Mother walks towards me and embraces me and says “ my child well done, you see it is all so very easy…all you had to do was let go”…yes, yes I let go of the worry, fear, pain, terror, horror that I have been living with for so long…the bonds of imprisonment being enclosed within and no one there to hear my voice….and then…………
I stepped back from everyone…Wait… what is this all about, where am I…I look around and everywhere I see are my loved ones…all who have passed before me…all who have lived and have died in my life…well, this is normal…I see them all the time, I talk to them all the time…but …but this is different…I am living among them breathing just as they are…feeling, hugging and seeing them so different than I have always done…
I turn to Mother and say” Mother where am I …what has happened?”…she gentle places her arms around me to see where I was… as I look around there is my physical body…it is in a box…six feet under….
Oh my God…I remember now…I could not breathe, I kept running and running and no one would listen to me…no one would hear me when I asked for help…they all just laughed…I told everyone …I kept telling them I was being stalked, I kept telling them he is out to destroy me…he hires people to follow me, to scare me and to keep the control through terror and intimidation…the abuse is never ending, they are now doing all of it legally…the abuse is now legalized abuse….No one would listen, they kept saying it will be over soon… and I kept running and then it happened…out of no where…. I felt a pressure and then nothing ……..
As I looked over I saw my children all standing around me crying…hurting with so much pain and anguish, all terrorized for what had happened to me…they all fell apart…they keep re-living the nightmare…..my friends where there too...each one of them crying…each one of them talking about the fight and struggle of watching it all happen to me when no one would listen…But no one would move so I could see what had happened to me…I remembered seeing this and thinking why are you crying for me...I finally feel good, I am free from the abuse and fear of being assassinated…no fear…no terror…no watching over my shoulder to see where it was coming from…no more can they hurt me…no more can they control or abuse me…I was in that box…six feet under…….
But then the rush of emotions to know Dear God what now…my children are not safe…I was not safe and now they are all alone to have to fight that same threat of fear and terror…my antagonist got what they wanted …they stalked me and they got rid of me and now what will happen to my children…I curled up in a ball and wept…I cried out against the injustice of what had happened…I hurt all over because like me, there was nothing they could do…no one to turn to …no where to hide….no justice for the abused, for those who fear for their lives…the systems do nothing to help, they close their eyes and ears to the cries around them…for it is not their life, it is not their family and it is not their problem….
He did this…his family did this and his counsel did this…the world allowed this to happen because no one would listen…they would not listen to my words…my voice…my side of the story…I never hurt anyone…I always lent a helping hand…I could never stay mad at anyone and never judge another….I took the abuse for years…I swallowed my pride on numerous occasions. I gave in to keep the hurt and pain away from others…I allowed myself to be blackmailed, threatened, terrorized, manipulated, living in fear each day and still I gave with so much love as to not harm another….why…why does society allow this to continue…
All I did was say “I am tired and through…I want out”…I want out of the hell I was living in…constantly being told how much a piece of crap I was, constantly being told that no one cared about me…constantly stepping between him and the kids so he would not keep hurting them with his cruel remarks and twisted behavior…Constantly having to give him my money so he could buy whatever he thought he needed with no thought to others…constantly being humiliated for my femininity and having to submit on demand, Constantly being the whipping post when he learned a new karate move…constantly being told how dumb and stupid…that I was “no fun” because I did not drink…and all the times when a gun was kept pointed to my head as I went to bed…Constantly the beer flowed around him, every day every night watching as he drank more and more...watching as he doctored himself with his own medications. It was never ending and then I made the mistake to say I want to be left alone I want out of this marriage…
And then it began and this time more in earnest…this time it was worse than ever before, the taunting, the threats, objects being thrown and stolen...the belittling by him and his family…all the lies, the untruths...their imagination was going wild….busting through the door to the house to intimidate, threaten and even more lies…watching as they went to court and gave under oath untruths upon untruths…sworn testimonies to take my children away from me with lies…my mouth dropping open as they knew they were lying…I remember thinking “ God is going to get you for all of your untruths…how can you live with yourself by being so untruthful”…the stalking day and night continues …the phone calls continue…my friends and their families receiving calls scaring them, threatening them…my phone being wiretapped…a tracking device on my truck so that at any hour of night and day they would know my whereabouts…never being alone to be at Peace…to feel safe……
All those years of me being alone trying to help him fight his battle with alcohol and addiction to his prescriptions meds and his family would close their eyes and ears to the truth, to the abuse that the children and I lived through, allowing their grandchildren to live through that pain because they were not going to admit their son had problems….oh no…for that would mean that they had a hand in their sons faults and no one in that family had any faults…they were all perfect….they left me to deal with their son and his addictions and they walked away, but not before they would say how much they hated me…why…was I getting too close to the truth…because I told the truth even though they would not listen… they did not live in reality… but that which was their own…
I would always hear…”its your lie you tell it…well, they tell it so very well”…
And here I am six foot under…in a box in the ground and no one can hear my voice any longer…no one can hear about the injustice that we as abuse victims live through…no one has to look upon my face any longer to see truth in my expressions and to hear my words of truth about the horrors I lived through…you see if they did…they would know what truth really is...and not just that of a delusional woman who felt every pain that was inflicted upon her…A woman who could no longer take the mental, emotional, sexual, financial and physical abuse and pain any longer...that she decided to voice her words…she decided to be a voice that others could hear so they too would find comfort in knowing they are not alone…
Statistics show that abused women and men return to their abuser as no one will hear their voice, their side of the story …that the justice system is designed to have the abused go back to the abuser so that the do not have to be involved in domestic violence…you may see many shows on television with abuse…but no one shows you the real horrors and truths the abused go though or has to live through just to take another breath and to keep alive one more day. The system is set up to look the other way…to give just enough assistance to keep the abused stringing along with enough hope that unfortunately never comes along.
For no one understands the abuser will always find ways to keep that voice from being heard………and knows they can get away with it…….
And to those who find the courage to say “enough is enough, I am getting out”…just look six feet under and know they are still there just waiting for someone to hear their voice…………….
To BE Continued…..
Love, Laughter & Light, Adele Marie
All Rights reserved 2010© Adele, Angelic Wise Ones
