Divorce and at Best…Domestic Violence Divorce
By: Adele Linsalata
What will it take to hear the voices of all those in this world that live each day with Violence and Abuse within their own married life? Why are their voices not heard?
Simple…The Laws, Political Systems and Courts give permission for those voices not to be heard….oh and the fact that the abusers abuse the systems too….
So many individuals live each day with fear in their hearts, mind, body and soul…they wear a smile for others, but deep inside they try to find a way to get out of what they are now living and to what others say “you have got yourself into”…they search for ways to get out but have no one to turn to? They seek companionship without any attachments for they are trying to protect those around them from going through the same thing that they themselves are living…and most of all they love their children so much they believe they can live with what they are going through, just to give their children a chance…
These are women and men who live with such abuse and violence everyday in their life…they could be your neighbor or friend, co-worker or someone who volunteered their time to help others but still too afraid to tell anyone their story…You do not even know them until you hear about them, you do not even know them until you see their picture on the evening news, being told by the reporter on duty about how this individual was killed in a domestic violence an abusive relationship/marriage…
We then take just a moment of our time to stop and watch with horror what someone lived through, how they were killed, who they left behind and then we go on with our lives as if they never existed…and truly they never did. For the life of an abused spouse, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend is one in which you truly do not live your own life at all…. but the life that your spouse, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend wanted you to live… all of it centers around the abusers life and how they choose to live their life, to have everything at their control to abuse the power in which said “ I do” and you are just a possession like anything else they own.
And to all whom say “how can that be or a person really has their own free will of choice, well they got themselves into it in the first place”…whatever is going on in your mind right now…. then you need to sit down and listen as the story unfolds…
Do you know what it is like to hold your head in your hands and not know your own thoughts anymore…to not even know who you are? To know that everything you do is to give to others and there is no one allowed to give to you because the abuser will take everyone one away from you that makes a difference in your world? Do you know what it is like…Do you…..
Because just like anything that society hands out to us, we are all indoctrinated into it little by little…when you see a swimming pool for the first time in your life and everyone says come on in and join us…you go and test out the water and it is freezing, you do not want to go into the water but….. or your are under so much peer pressure that you just jump right in…little did you expect that yes…the water is freezing and I do not like it, but you stay in it anyway as to not be embarrassed by your peers…after a while you can no longer feel the freezing water as your body and mind have now acclimated to all of it…you then begin to join in with everyone else…much later you have an ear ache, you end up with the sniffles and you start to cough…Everyone laughs at you for being a sissy or too weak and you hold your head up and keep trudging along, even though all you want to do is go to bed and wished that you never got into the water to begin with…Now you have to suffer the consequences of your actions and decisions.
The abused do not get time to go to bed and wish the world away as they want to do, they do not get time to be sorry for themselves as there are too many other things that must now be done….These are not sissy or weak individuals …These are individuals who are fighting for their life each day….these are individuals who are strong and their abusers know this, that is why the abuser continues to intimidate, manipulate, belittles, scare, threatens the one to whom all their abuse is directed too…to keep the individual down, the abuser must then show their own power and control over the individual they possess as to not allow the abused any breathing room.
When you meet someone everything is great and wonderful you are enjoying the company of another… The individual tells you everything you want to hear, they are exactly what you have been looking for…because everyone is seeking one thing and that is love. So you next find yourself saying I love you….they tell you this too. You are doing all the things they love to do, helping them , going places and the stuff you once enjoyed is put to the wayside. Why, because you want them to know just how much you want to be with them, just how much you love them, so this is the way to show them all these things….You are building your life and relationship; your friends are not on the phone with you every minute any longer for you now have someone else to take their place.
As the relationship grows and last longer than any of your other relationships that you have had previously, you start to wrap your whole world around this individual and they are enjoying what is being given. Everything to you is happy and life is wonderful…you are in love and you have someone who loves you, what more could you ask for…
And then after a time you notice that you want to go and do one of your favorite things and your loved one comes up with an excuse to not go with you…at the same time they make you feel as if you are hurting their feelings for going without them, so you stay with them and cancel your plans…”Well, I can miss it just this once”… Next thing you know you are at a store with your loved one for what seems to be hours as they look at this and that…they tell you it will only be a few more minutes, to find it has been hours and you are still not getting anything done that you needed to get done. When they express to you that you can do it another day and say to you “don’t you love me”… you smile because that is true you can always do it the next day and yes, I love you so much…
The next day comes and as you are getting ready to go, your loved one has something that has to be done and just forget about what you are doing because if you loved me you would help me and go with me…Once again you say “okay” and off you go…after a time you find that your whole life is revolving around them and when you say something that you need to do, they start to get upset…slowly you find yourself in a situation that you feel guilty for wanting to do anything without the others permission or them being with you. Or you feel that you really do have other things to do and that you yourself wanted to do really is not that important at all…Over a time what was once a kiss of love becomes a kiss of being obedient to the wishes of that loved one….
Now mind you, you do not see all of this at first, your loved one is making you feel that they cannot live without you being with them…But suddenly you have no friends like you used to because your loved one tells you that “your friends are jealous of you and that you do not need them”…you feel precisely and justified that “yes, you are right… I did nothing wrong, if they were my friend they would not be so rude to me or jealous of me”....You find out to late that you have just opened that door for then…. the intimidation and belittling begins…
All along what you have no understanding of, is that your family and friends are seeing what is going on and when they approach you, you become defensive to what they are saying…How can anyone not be so good for you when all they do is tell you how they need you…you start to confuse love with a form of control and power that is held over you….
How many times have you been there, seeing a friend go through something and when they talk to you and you give to hem the truth, they will do the opposite of what you told them to begin with….With the abused they do not realize this, they do not see it the way you are seeing them and their situation...the abuser has done such a thorough job mentally and emotionally to their victim and still gains even greater control.
All of it is mind and emotional manipulations…the abuser is seeking to justify their own self and will use you to be the end of all means…it starts out very slowly…like calming a horse as you place the saddle on its back for the very first time…they create a false sense of security as the abuser gets their victim comfortable to their smell and touch for them to know who the master is and by the time you catch on to all of their lies and deceit…they laugh and say “that is just the way I reeled you in”….
There are six different kinds of Abuse…Mental, Emotional, Physical, Financial and Sexual… another not to ignore is Neglect….one is Not more powerful than the other as they all can be the death of you…
It is all in the concealment of the Abuser as all of it is a form of Control and Power over another living life. Abuse is a type of behavior that one individual takes on to unjustly control another person. And when you have Domestic Violence/ Domestic Abuse…more than likely, the individual feels they need to protect the extended family and their children as to allow the abuse to continue….
And then again, it is because so many times they too have watched on the television one story after another, one talk show after another…that someone has tried to leave their marriage because of so much Abuse and Violence… They have tried to let others hear their side of the story to hear their voice and they only made it six foot under….
To Be Continued…
Love, Laughter & Light, Adele Linsalata
All Rights reserved 2010© Adele Linsalata , Angelic Wise Ones
